Innocent, naive, robot, grandma, goodie two shoes. These nicknames that I have been given represent how people judge me because of my premeditated decisions. Even though I don’t judge others for what they choose to do with their lives, they continue to be intimidated by the way that I behave. Being the “good” kid isn’t always fun when you have peers who have different values than you do. In reality, my values do not confront theirs. I don’t feel that I am better by any means if I choose to do something that someone else does not. I simply am not comfortable with it.
Little Miss Innocent liked to read books. She loved to ride her bike and watch movies as well. She enjoyed swimming, playing, talking, and freedom just like any of the other children did. However, she valued her independence most of all. Little Miss Innocent was very quiet, some might even have called her shy. Yet, she was not shy, she read her books alone without worry. She did not care what anyone else thought, she was trapped in her own wild and free imagination.
By my eighth grade year, people began noticing that I was talking more. This was mostly because my mother thought it would be better for me to make more friends. Nevertheless, the more I talked, the more I discovered that people were not always the nicest. I didn’t understand the concept of friendship quite well. I didn’t understand people. I just understood what I had read and learned. I was not a very social person. Growing up with parents who were “unequally yolked” (one parent being extremely religious, the other not religious at all), I developed strict values. I enjoyed talking to the other kids but I did not rebel against any rules, I was a conformist. I believed everything that I had been taught which meant that I became an eye sore to children who thought that you were “cool” if you cussed, smoked, or fought with other kids. This soon slipped into the lesbian kick.
Little Miss Innocent did not know what a lesbian was. The LGBT community soon slapped her in the face as people began asking what her sexuality was. She did not understand sexuality and felt trapped. What was a lesbian? Why are they asking me these questions? When she finally was informed about gays and lesbians, she was so confused as to why they had asked her if she was one in the first place. They had always asked her why she chose not to date any of the guys. They started to think that her abstinence meant that she was “in the closet” or hiding her true identity. Little did she know, rejecting this idea of being a lesbian meant that people would criticize her and accuse her of being against the LGBT community altogether.
I understand that being raised in a religious family made others uncomfortable when they saw how I conformed. By no means have I ever been religious. In fact, I have never enjoyed attending church services and I never prayed in front of others. I ridiculed the church for it’s hypocrisy, yet I did follow the rules my dad enforced on me. Although I was a conformist, I was a rebel when it came down to something that I didn’t feel was fair or right with my heart. I was a teenager caught between a mother who did not agree with my father. The rules shifted a lot in my life. I can understand that by the way I had acted, like a “goodie two shoes”, made it seem that I was judging them when I said that I wasn’t a lesbian. No matter how many times I had tried to tell them that I had no problem with it, that I simply did not care because it didn’t affect me, they never believed me.
Little Miss Innocent had an unfulfilled desire to please her peers. She didn’t want anyone to be intimidated by her any longer. This shift in attitude eventually led to her peers believing that she was a lesbian once again, hinting at her true feelings. During early high school, Little Miss Innocent learned many things regarding sexuality. She continued to get upset when people call her a lesbian, not that being a lesbian is a bad thing, but that just wasn’t her. She always thought of the hypocrisy in this. If she were to tell a lesbian that they were faking their sexuality and that they were straight, she would get much criticism. So why were people allowed to do this to her?
My sophomore year, a guy had a huge crush on me. He was very irritating and I just wanted him to leave me alone. He was very pushy and disrespectful which caused me to completely lose all respect for him. Eventually, I blocked him on all social media and tried to ignore him. I assume that I damaged his pride which caused him to tell the others that the reason I rejected him was because I was a lesbian. More than anything, this annoyed me. It’s not that the name “lesbian” is such a horrible banner, it’s discouraging because you feel that you have to explain yourself. I don’t think that I should ever have to explain my own sexuality to other people. They need to stay out of it. What I do in my bedroom is none of their business. That is my problem with the whole lesbian situation.
Little Miss Innocent didn’t date. She didn’t like the thought of being with a guy because she didn’t want her feelings to be hurt. She didn’t like the idea of dating at such a young age. She wanted to wait for someone she was truly interested in and wouldn’t use or hurt her. She wanted a best friend. When she was not called a lesbian, she was called a goodie two shoes or boring. Her own best friend called her a robot because she wasn’t interested in having a boyfriend at the time. She felt that she was young and should enjoy life, not waste time with a guy she didnt want to be with. She felt that dating would be best for her during college. She never cared what other people did unless they hurt her. When her friends dated a guy she always left them alone, never asking why they chose that guy or why they dated so many guys. She didn’t care. As long as her friends were safe and happy, it didn’t matter. Why couldn’t people just understand that she was young, free, and happy?
“I don’t need a man to make my life sweet” – Melanie Martinez. Guys do not orbit my world. Its not my idea of a good life. If others choose to have guys or multiple men in their lives, thats what they choose to do. That is what makes them happy. I just wish people could understand that my personal values do not affect them. They don’t need to come to their own conclusions. If I wanted them to know if I was a lesbian, I would tell them. If I wanted them to know I was straight, I would tell them, and I have. Bottomline, I won’t let anyone pressure me into doing anything that I dont want to do. My own father is a prime example of this. He gave into the pressure and ended up kissing a girl he didn’t even find attractive to prove he wasn’t gay. He later regretted this and wished that he wouldn’t have cared what others have thought of him. So what if people judge you? Be yourself.
Little Miss Innocent doesn’t care what others think anymore. She goes about her day being herself and being happy. She doesn’t need people to pressure her into having a boyfriend. By calling her a lesbian, they were able to pressure her into getting into some type of relationship whether it be male or female. All this to conform to their standards. Little Miss Innocent is learning to be her own kind of rebel. She does what she pleases and what she is comfortable with. Little Miss Innocent is now truly free.
Advanced English @ EAWR 